Curious Times

THE END IS HERE

2009-08-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s been a great run but after 10 years of Curious Times the market has spoken and it’s time to put this column down in a humane manner.

If you’re interested in being kept up-to-date with any of my projects in the future you can still sign up for updates over there in the right-hand column.

And if you're itching for more dumb humour check out a website I have been writing for called BrilliantOrStupid.com

Adios!

JUST SWEEP THOSE DESERTS UNDER A RUG OR SOMETHING

2009-07-29T09:10:00.001-07:00

While some mad scientists work on the idea of surrounding the Earth with a million mirrors to combat global warming others are planning to build a giant wall around the Saraha desert in order to stop the desertification of Africa. The 6,000 km long barrier would be created by flooding sand dunes with bacteria which cause them to turn into sandstone in order to stop the shifting dunes and prevent the desert from further encroaching on currently habitable land. A similar plan called “The Green Wall of China” has proposed to stop the growth of the Gobi Desert in northwestern China. (BBC)

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

2009-07-27T11:44:00.001-07:00

Australian research has discovered the same fact previously found in Britain and America -- that tall men earn more money than their shorter colleagues. The study of 7,000 workers found that two extra inches of height is equal to about $1000 per year in extra salary. The results were far less dramatic for women who need about four extra inches of height in order to grab a similar increase in pay. This latest study also found that obese people no longer earn less than their skinnier collegues (at least in Australia) but the researchers explained that this is probably simply because so many people are now overweight. (The Telegraph)

WHAT WOULD JESUS SMOKE?

2009-07-24T10:03:00.002-07:00

An article in High Times magazine called “Was Jesus a Stoner?” argues that Jesus Christ may have used a cannabis-based anointing oil in order to help cure people of such ailments as skin diseases, eye problems, menstrual problems and even epilepsy. Author Chris Bennet says that his conclusions are based on scriptual texts and claims that the medical use of cannabis during the time of Christ is supported by archaeological records. “The holy anointing oil, as described in the original Hebrew version of the recipe in Exodus, contained over six pounds of keneh-bosum - a substance identified by respected etymology, linguists anthropologists, botanists and other researchers as cannabis extracted into about six quarts of olive oil along with a variety of other fragrant herbs,” claims Bennet. Researchers believe that the keneh-bosom extract, which is absorbed into the body when placed on the skin, could have helped cure people of a variety of physical and mental problems.

“I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE MY WELFARE WORKER FORCED ME TO GET AN INTERVIEW”

2009-07-24T10:03:00.001-07:00

Still looking for work? Take the advice of CNN which asked managers across the continent to send in the stupidest things people have said during job interviews. Try to avoid some of these phrases the next time you’re trying to get hired: “I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time”; “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad at you”; “If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?”; “Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job”; “I’ve never heard such a stupid question.”

IT’S ALL FUN & GAMES UNTIL THE MEDIA GETS HYSTERICAL

2009-07-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

How did we ever survive our childhoods? Two separate news items this week warn not to let your children play at the beach or in their bathtubs. The first comes from a study by the University of North Carolina which spent $63,000 of taxpayer money to discover that kids who dig in the sand at the beach are 13 percent more likely to get a stomach ailment and 20 percent more likely to get diarrhea than kids who are forced to sit quietly under a beach umbrella wearing their bicycle helmets (okay, I made that last part up). Meanwhile, the journal Pediatrics published data which found that 120 children are injured every day while playing in the shower or bathtub. Which is fine because they won’t need baths anymore if they never go outside and play. (SignOnDanDiego.com / Wbaltv.com)

WAIT TILL COLLEGE TO BECOME A USELESS DRUNK

2009-07-21T09:47:00.001-07:00

While Britain tries to get their kids to enjoy sex, Italy is trying to get their kids to stop enjoying alcohol. After centuries of teaching their children to drink wine with every meal the city of Milan, Italy is trying to enforce a ban on the sale and consumption of alcohol to anyone under the age of 16. The new laws come into effect after a study showed that a third of 11-year-olds in Milan have alcohol related problems. From now on anyone caught serving a teenager alcohol faces a fine of up to $700. (BBC)

WHERE ARE ALL THE RICH ESKIMOS?

2009-07-21T09:46:00.001-07:00

New research claims that it’s not a coincidence that countries in hot climates tend to lag behind in economic productivity. The study from MIT found that any year which had an increase in average temperatures of one degree would also find a 1.1 percent drop in per-capita gross domestic product. Put simply, if it’s really damn hot it’s likely you won’t work as hard. (NPR.org)

“FEED ME YOU IDIOT”

2009-07-20T10:50:00.001-07:00

Japanese toymaker Takara Tomy has released an updated version of their “Bow-lingual” gadget which can translate your dog’s barking noises for you. The new toy is a talking version of the old standard which claimed to be able to analyze six doggy emotions including joy, sadness and frustration. If you have another $200 to waste the new toy will speak phrases such as “I’m annoyed” or “play with me” at you. (Breitbart.com)

HOW TO RUIN YOUR VACATION

2009-07-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

And from the “Tell Us Something We Don’t Already Know” department comes a study from the San Diego School of Medicine which warns men that having unprotected sex with hookers in Tijuana will greatly increase your chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. You might want to get that fact tattooed on your dick because it’ll be hard to remember after your sixth shot of tequila. (Labspaces.net)

FUCK PAIN:

2009-07-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Scientists have come up with a great excuse to swear your ass off then next time you smash yourself with a hammer or something. Research now proves that swearing lessens feelings of physical pain and allows you to withstand pain for a longer period of time. “Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people’s sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process,” explained the fucking genius who published this research.
(The Telegraph)

READING, WRITING, ROGERING

2009-07-14T09:17:00.001-07:00

A sexual education pamphlet being distributed to high school students in Britain has caused an outrage by pointing out the physical and psychological benefits of having an enjoyable sex life. The leaflet proudly declares that “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away” and goes on to ask the kids: “Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?” (The Telegraph)

WHO SAYS BABIES ARE USELESS?

2009-07-14T09:16:00.001-07:00

Psychologists in the UK have discovered that keeping a picture of a cute baby in your wallet will increase your chances of having the wallet returned if you ever lose it. After planting 240 wallets in the streets of Edinburgh last year they found that nearly half of the wallets were mailed back to the owner. Among those that were returned,88 percent of the wallets which contained a picture of a baby were returned compared to 53 percent for wallets with a picture of a puppy, 48 percent for a photo of a family, 28 percent for a picture of an elderly couple, and only 15 percent for wallets with no photo whatsoever. (Times Online)

I’M HATIN’ IT

2009-07-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

So you want to hike into the wilderness and get away from it all but you’re addicted to cheeseburgers. What to do, what to do? Well, a Swiss company has created the world’s first canned cheeseburger just for you. Simply throw the can in a pot of water over your campfire, wait a few minutes and you’re ready to cure your munchies. But beware, brave folks have actually tasted this monstrosity and the verdict is not good. One brave taste-tester writes that the burger tastes “something like a really terrible veggie burger: Sort of beef-esque, in a way that would only fool someone who never actually eats beef. The fairly rank, unsweetened ketchup overwhelms the burger, while the cheese and bun do not lend anything to the experience one way or the other, apart from helpfully keeping the "meat" further away from the taste buds.” (Gizmodo.com)

WORLD’S WORST TOURISTS

2009-07-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Irritating French vacationers have knocked the Chinese off their perch as the world’s worst tourists in this year’s survey of 4,500 hotel owners worldwide carried out by Expedia. The French snatched the victory thanks to their rudeness, arrogance, unwillingness to speak local languages and inability to give tips. American tourists had a shot at the title after being voted the messiest, loudest and worst dressed tourists, but made up for it by being the world’s most generous tippers. (Reuters)

ANOTHER REASON TO BLAME YOUR PARENTS FOR YOUR CRUMMY LIFE

2009-07-10T09:41:00.002-07:00

Another warning from scientists this week about the problems with giving your son an unpopular name. The latest study claims that the more “unpopular, uncommon, or feminine” a boy’s name the greater his chances of starting a life of crime and ending up in jail some day. After analyzing over 15,000 names the researchers concluded that boys with these types of names are more likely to be ridiculed by their peers and face discrimination in the workplace which causes them to engage in socially delinquent behaviour. Among the most troublesome names (at least for North American children) are Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell, and Walter. A previous study published by the University of British Columbia last year calculated that for every 10 per cent increase in the popularity of a name there is an associated 3.7 per cent decrease in the number of troublemaking kids with that name. (Orlando Sentinel)

YOU MAY NOW SNIFF THE BRIDE’S ASS

2009-07-10T09:41:00.001-07:00

A Ghanaian women married her dog last week after deciding that it was the only being on earth who displayed the qualities she was looking for in a husband. “I’ve been in relationships with so many men and they are all the same - skirt-chasers and cheaters. My dog is kind and loyal to me and he treats me with so much respect.” The wedding was attended by curious onlookers from her village but boycotted by her family, who called the marriage “a stupid step to combat her loneliness”. (Ananova)

SEXY FACTS

2009-07-09T08:28:00.003-07:00

From a webpage called “Top 10 Fascinating Facts About Sex” come these conversation starters: one minute of kissing burns 26 calories; a half an hour of sex burns 150 calories; sex cures headaches; sperm is good for your skin; men watching three-way porn produce more sperm than men watching “normal” porn; Victorian prostitutes shaved their pubic hair to prevent lice and then wore pubic wigs for their customers (which also helped to conceal STDs); and, last but not least, female penguins engage in a form of prostitution in which they have sex with single male penguins in exchange for material to build their nests. (ListVerse.com)

HEY! FREE TRIP TO TIBET

2009-07-09T08:28:00.001-07:00

Turkish television has created a new reality show in which members of various religious leaders will try to convert atheists to their belief systems. The show will pit a Greek Orthodox priest, a rabbi, an imam and a Buddhist monk against each other as they each lead a group of atheists on pilgrimages to Mecca, Tibet and Jerusalem. (CBC)

THIS MEDICINE LOOKS, SMELLS, AND TASTES LIKE SHIT... GOOD THING WE DIDN’T STEP IN IT

2009-07-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

It’s great to see that the ancient art of the snake oil salesman is alive and well. Entrepreneurs in India are cashing in on the latest hot item on the streets of New Delhi -- health cures made out of cow urine and dung. “You won’t believe how quickly some of the products sold out,” says Manoj Kumar, who sells a wide variety of cure-alls, including a “multi-utility pill” which claims to cure anything from diabetes to piles to “ladies’ diseases,” and a liquid medicine which claims to battle cancer, hysteria, and irregular periods. Along with the medicines made from cow dung and cow urine, a wide range of health products are also gaining popularity including cow dung toothpaste, detergents, a skin-whitening cream, baldness and obesity cures, soap and a cow urine antiseptic aftershave. And, from the “Gee, your hair smells atrocious” department, the inventor of the cow-dung detergent next hopes to create a cream which will help stop hair loss. (The Telegraph)

HOW TO PISS YOUR PANTS

2009-07-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

Vertigo junkies have a new attraction to visit: the Sears Tower in Chicago has built a glass-floored observation deck on the 110th floor -- 1,353 feet up in the air. The attraction, called The Ledge, claims to be the scariest view in the world with its transparent walls and ceilings and a glass floor only a half an inch thick. (Ananova)

THE COMPUTER ATE MY HOMEWORK

2009-07-06T10:11:00.003-07:00

Next semester will be a little bit easier now that you can go to Corrupted-Files.com and order a corrupt computer file which you can hand in to your professor the next time you partied too hard and need some extra time to finish your assignments. “Don’t hand in garbage paper,” advises the website, when you can hand in a perfectly corrupted homework assignment for just $5.95.

JUST THINK -- NO TAXES IN JAIL

2009-07-06T10:11:00.001-07:00

Or, if you’re done with school and running your own business but still want to cheat the system you can head over to FalseExpense.com where they will create a batch of fake receipts that you can deduct from your taxes. You send them a range of dates and the city you live in and they will create a full set of authentic-looking receipts for airfair, hotel, meals and anything you else you think you might be able to use during your tax audit.

WE’LL NEED EXTRA LARGE BARF BAGS

2009-07-03T10:03:00.001-07:00

New Mexico has begun work on the world’s first spaceport -- a massive $200 million project which will be home to space tourist flights offered by Virgin Galactic as well as space-related scientific research projects and other commercial interests to be carried out in space. Spaceport America, which boasts a 10,000 foot-long runway will be finished in about 18 months when Richard Branson and his family will take the world’s first family trip into orbit around the Earth, to be followed by a waiting list of 300 space tourists who have each put up $200,000 for six minutes of weightlessness during the two-hour flight. (BBC)

THE BANK FROM HELL

2009-07-02T08:25:00.001-07:00

Great news for Latvians who haven’t already sold their souls to the devil. Latvia’s Kontora bank is now giving out loans to people who have no credit history, no jobs and no collateral. All you need to do is sign a short agreement giving the bank the deed on your immortal soul. The bank is offering loans of up to $1,000 and charging one percent per day in interest. (MosNews.com)

MORE PROOF THAT ALCOHOL MAKES YOU STUPID

2009-07-02T08:24:00.001-07:00

A group of “wine terrorists” in France has been attacking shops which are selling cheap wine from Spain and Italy in southwestern France. They accuse the merchants of cutting prices to unreasonably low levels which put French wine makers out of business. In their latest attack the group pulled the plugs on eight huge vats at a wine co-operative and let more than one million bottles worth of red, white and rose wine pour into a river. (The Telegraph)

WORLD’S BEST HACK

2009-06-30T10:27:00.003-07:00

It’s time once again for the only literary contest that matters, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the Dark and Story Night contest) which challenges writers to create the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel. This year’s winner is David McKenzie of Washington State, who came up with this piece of crap: "Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests." Check out Bulwer-Lytton.com for a list of finalists in several other categories including this winner from the detective genre: “She walked into my office on legs as long as one of those long-legged birds that you see in Florida - the pink ones, not the white ones - except that she was standing on both of them, not just one of them, like those birds, the pink ones, and she wasn't wearing pink, but I knew right away that she was trouble, which those birds usually aren't.” And then there’s this gem from the romance category: “The first time I saw her she took my breath away with her long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders like cheese sauce on a bed of nachos, making my stomach grumble as she stepped into the room, her red knit dress locking in curves better than a Ferrari at a Grand Prix.

THIS CONTEST HAS GONE TO THE DOGS

2009-06-30T10:27:00.001-07:00

I guess it’s my job to let you know that the world has a new ugliest dog as judged by the annual competition at the Sonoma-Marin County Fair. However, this year’s winner “Pabst” isn’t nearly as ugly as tradition dictates and it would seem that the judges simply wanted to break the stranglehold of Chinese Crested breed which has dominated the competition for the past decade (or they were bribed). Nevertheless, you can check out Pabst and his competitors at Sonoma-MarinFair.org.

TALK TO THE EAR

2009-06-26T10:18:00.001-07:00

Research carried out in noisy nightclubs (yup, those university undergrads are hard at work) has discovered that you’ll have more success with the ladies if you talk into their right ear. (ScienceDaily.com)

CURIOUS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

2009-06-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

As seen at the BBC: “Stoned Wallabies Make Crop Circles.”

HOW DO YOU SPELL TXT?

2009-06-25T11:43:00.001-07:00

A 15-year-old girl from Des Moines, Iowa won the Third Annual Texting Championship last week after beating out 250,000 competitors while texting blindfolded and texting while walking on a treadmill.The girl claims to have built up her skills by sending over 14,000 text messages every month to her friends, who probably which she would give them a break. Meanwhile, on the other end of the generational mad-skillz spectrum, a 51-year-old Virginian man finally won his first national spelling bee after once losing the Scripps National Spelling Bee when he was 13 years old. (LGTexter.com / Yahoo News)

JUST DON’T ARGUE WITH YOURSELF

2009-06-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Psychologists now claim that people who talk to themselves aren’t necessarily losing their grip on reality and that talking to yourself is actually a healthy way to get through life’s pains. However, they also warn that talking to yourself is only beneficial if you say nice things to yourself. (NY Times)

TRIPPY TRIPS

2009-06-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

The creators of a new website called Atlas Obscura are looking for input from anyone who can help them fill their atlas with “singular, eccentric, bizarre, fantastical, and strange out-of-the-way places that get left out of traditional travel guidebooks and are ignored by the average tourist.” Or if you don’t know of any such place the Atlas already has dozens of entries including miniature cities, gigantic flaming holes in the ground, bone churches and phallological museums. Go plan your next adventure at AtlasObscura.com.

HAIR TODAY, JAILED TOMORROW

2009-06-22T09:30:00.001-07:00

Check out one of the strangest mugshots in recent memory, taken of a drug dealer who was arrested half way through his appointment at the hair stylist. While getting his hair braided Marcus Bailey, 25, got a call from some dudes who wanted to buy some crack. So he stepped outside into a car to complete the transaction at which point police nabbed him and took him into custody. The result is a mugshot that will surely be a hit with the larger, stronger men he’ll meet in prison. (CourierPress.com)

I LOVE MOMMY... I MEAN MONEY

2009-06-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

A Brooklyn man’s six-year-long impersonation of his dead mother came to end last week when police finally busted his scam to collect her social security checks. Thomas Parkin, 49, regularly dressed up in a wig, sunglasses, nail polish, red lipstick, and his mom’s old clothes in order to cash her benefits which have totaled over $100,000 since 2003. The scheme began to unravel last year when Parkin filed bankruptcy for his mom so that “she” could get up to $40,000 in subsidies to help pay for her mortgage. Parkin defended himself to the officer’s by claiming that he had actually taken over his mom’s identity. “I held my mother when she was dying and breathed in her last breath, so I am my mother,” he told investigators. Nevertheless, Parkins is now being charged with 47 counts including grand larceny, perjury, forgery and conspiracy. (NBCNewYork.com)

BALLING FOR CHANGE

2009-06-19T10:26:00.001-07:00

While professional athletes continue to tarnish the thrill of competitive sports there’s still a chance to witness competition in its purest form at the Football World Cup for the Homeless taking place in Milan, Italy next September. The tournament pits 500 homeless players from 48 nations against each other to see who will reign supreme as the World Football champions. Last year Afghanistan defeated Russia to take the glory but this year they’ll face a stiff-challenge from strong teams out of Brazil, France, Japan and the U.S. (won’t they be surprised to find that football is played with a soccer ball!). Organizer Berhard Wolf says that the tournament has been designed both to highlight the problem of homelessness and also to help the homeless overcome their problems,and he claims that the tournament has proven a huge success with 77% of players experiencing a “significant life change” after participating in the event. ”It is... pure therapy for those taking part,” says Wolf, “because football has a magic effect.” Get all the vitals at HomelessWorldCup.org.

SO THAT’S WHY THE ALL-SUSHI DIET WORKS SO WELL

2009-06-18T11:15:00.002-07:00

Sashimi loving Yuppies beware: a new report from the journal “Emerging Infectious Diseases” claims that there has been a huge rise in what they call the “urban tapeworm” thanks to the raw fish in sushi restaurants. The main culprit is the Diphyllobothrium nihonkaiense, a critter that lives inside a salmon and can grow to the length of 39 feet. The report suggests eating only fully cooked fish or eating only the sushi from fish that don’t spend time in rivers, such as tuna. (Scientific American)

PAPER OR JAIL?

2009-06-18T11:15:00.001-07:00

When you’re thinking of nations which will lead the world in an environmental legislation you probably will name about 50 countries before you reach Uganda, if indeed you ever think of Uganda at all. Nevertheless, that country’s government has introduced legislation which will outlaw all plastic bags beginning in 2010 with a remarkable penalty of three years in jail and a $1500 fine for anyone caught using one. The government also established a 120 percent tax on imported plastic material currently entering the country. (Earthtimes.org)

HEALTH TIPS FOR SLACKERS, PART 1

2009-06-16T09:44:00.001-07:00

Feeling drowsy? Take a nap. Need an excuse? Take one from an article called “19 Reason to Take a Nap” which claims that sleeping between 20 and 90 minutes before 4 p.m. each afternoon will increase your alertness at work (just not while you’re sleeping), regenerate your skin cells so you look younger, increase your sex drive, help you lose weight, reduce your risk of heart attack, lift your mood, improve your accuracy, make you more creative, lower your cravings for coffe and alcohol, relieve migraines and improve your nighttime sleep. (BestHealthMag.ca)

HEALTH TIPS FOR SLACKERS, PART 2

2009-06-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

More good news as there is no need to make your bed after your nap, either. The BBC reports that not bothering to make the bed in the morning might be healthier for us. Research done at Kingston University in England found that dust mites are less likely to live through the day in the warm, dry conditions of an unmade made, but thrive in the cool moistness underneath the sheets and blankets of a properly made bed. And less mites in your bed reduces the chance of developing or aggravating asthma and other respiratory illnesses. The doctor who led this research claimed that “something as simple as leaving a bed unmade during the day can remove moisture from the sheets and mattress so the mites will dehydrate and eventually die.” (BBC)

THE REASON STAKEOUTS ARE SO IMPORTANT

2009-06-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Police in Salt Lake City are on the lookout for a man who tried to rob a shop called “Black Diamond.” He entered the store brandishing an ice pick and demanded the staff hand over precious metals and money. The only problem was that the “Black Diamond” shop deals in ski wear and mountaineering gear. The staff let the man take off with some computers and climbing equipment instead. (KSL.com)

THE SKY IS FALLING

2009-06-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

A 14-year-old boy in Germany won a cosmic lottery of sorts last week when he was hit by a meteorite and lived to tell the tale. The pea-sized chunk of space debris sliced open the boy’s hand as it crashed to the Earth at 30,000 miles per hour, leaving a foot-long crater in the ground and a 3-inch long scar on his hand. “At first I just saw a large ball of light and then I suddenly felt a pain in my hand,” recalled Gerrit Blank. “The noise that came after the flash of light was so loud that my ears were ringing for hours afterwards. When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself in the road.” Scientists calculate that the chances of being struck by a meteorite are about one in 100 million. The only other recorded instance of a person surviving a meteor hit happened in 1954 when a meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in Alabama, bouncing off the furniture and hitting a sleeping woman. (Yahoo News)

SCIENCE IS STRANGER THAN FICTION

2009-06-12T10:31:00.001-07:00

A great compilation of bizarre scientific studies has been posted at ListVerse.com where you can learn that sheep can recognize human faces, married couples tend to look alike over time, women with curvier hips have slightly higher intelligence, woman wearing red are more attractive to men, herring communicate by farting, and male monkeys only ejaculate two percent of the time if their mates do not yell loudly during sex. This list also contains the most important scientific study of all time which concluded that there is no correlation between foot length and penis size but found that the length of a man’s index finger a direct indication of the length of the man’s penis.

MILLION DOLLAR MATTRESS

2009-06-12T10:30:00.001-07:00

A cautionary tale this week for anyone planning to do a surprise good deed for their parents. Last week a loving daughter in Tel Aviv bought her mom a new mattress and threw out the old one which her mom had slept on for several decades. Only one problem: her mom had been using the mattress to hide her life savings of nearly one million dollars. The mad treasure hunt is now on at two of Tel Aviv’s largest garbage dumps where a beefed up security force is on guard to scare away the undeserving. (CNN)

YOU ARE GETTING HORNY

2009-06-01T10:09:00.001-07:00

Strange research into the power of suggestion from the University of Missouri has discovered that the mere thought of booze influences the sex drive of college kids. The experimenters first questioned 82 undergrad men about how alcohol affected their libido and then flashed words and jumbled letters at them on a computer screen. The control group was exposed to random words while the other group was flashed a group of words which included the words beer, whisky, martini and other alcohol-related suggestions. The men were then asked to rate photographs of women on a scale of one to nine. Oddly enough, the men who believed that alcohol increased their sex drive rated the photos more favourably after subconsciously viewing alcohol cue words while the men who expected alcohol to reduce their sexual performance rated the women as less attractive. Ronald Friedman, the psychologist who ran this experiment has been studying how words can affect our behavior, claims that another experiment found that flashing words such as “old age” and “bingo” at students caused them to walk more slowly down the school’s hallways. (Nature)

IT ONLY TAKES ONE LITTLE SPERMAZOID TO RUIN YOUR LIFE

2009-06-01T10:08:00.002-07:00

From the “Kids, Don’t Try This At Home” department comes a new study published in the journal “Contraception” which claims that pulling out rivals condoms as a method of birth control. Yeah, right! The study claims that pulling out before ejaculation 100 percent of the time has a failure rate of about 4% while “more realistic estimates” for the withdrawal method indicate about an 18% pregnancy rate. These numbers are remarkably similar to condoms, which have perfect-use and typical-use failure rates of 2% and 17%.

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN HAVING A JOB IS LOOKING FOR ONE

2009-06-01T10:08:00.001-07:00

This week’s career advice for the unemployed comes from an article titled “Words to Leave Off Your Resume” at BlogsTechRepublic.com. First off, avoid all words that make you sound like a teenage girl (even if you are one) including awesome, amazing, phenomenal, cool and spectacular. Second, don’t mention political or religious affiliations by labeling yourself as a Liberal, Conservative, Atheist, Wiccan or whatever. And most important, don’t give your potential new boss any bad news about your health status by avoiding phrases on your resume such as chronically ill, diabetic, or habitually pregnant. And remember, try to pretend that you actually want the stupid job they’re offering you.

BECAUSE SUFFERING FROM ONE LIFE’S WORTH OF PAIN AND ILLNESS IS NEVER ENOUGH

2009-06-01T10:07:00.001-07:00

A 72-year-old Dutch psychotherapist has set up shop in Nepal and is now offering "reincarnation therapy" to help cure your chronic pain and illnesses. "People often suffer from pains which have no apparent cause," says Peter Langedijk, "these are usually problems associated with their past lives. When they are taken back there, the pain dogging them for years is cured in half an hour." For a small fee, Langedijk will regress you back to your past lives in order to find the source of your present-life pains. After you are aware of what is causing the problem, he uses a combination of hypnotic commands and relaxation techniques to cure the problem areas once and for all. "Perhaps it is fantasy," says the doctor, "but it helps." (newkerala.com)

EAT DRINK AND BE SCARY

2009-05-29T12:02:00.001-07:00

A rare gem from my spam box gives us the most unfortunate product names worldwide, including Pee Cola, Shitto meat sauce, Megapussi potato chips, Jussipussi bread, Wack Off Bug Spray, 666 cold medicine, Ayds diet candy and SARS, the soft drink.

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

2009-05-29T12:01:00.002-07:00

The latest psychological studies of old folks has found that perfectionism takes a harsh toll on health and life expectancy. The research published in the Journal of Health Psychology found that people “who expressed a strong motivation to be perfect” were over 50 percent more likely to die over the course of the study. On the other hand, the traits of conscientiousness, extraversion and optimism significantly lowered the risk of an early death.

HEY DUMMY, THERE ARE NO REFUNDS IN A CASINO

2009-05-29T12:01:00.001-07:00

A compulsive gambler in Australia is pushing his luck with an attempt to sue a casion for letting him lose over $30 million over a four month period. Harry Kakavas is now trying to recover $20.5 million with his lawsuit. The casino claims that they had tried to get Kakavas to stop gambling when he hit his losing skid but with no success. The final straw came when he lost $2 million in 43 minutes and the casino finally banned the gambler when he wouldn’t stop on his own. (Smh.com)

TECHNICALLY GOD IS AN ACCOMPLICE TO MURDER

2009-05-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

I suppose there’s no harm in praying for a new job or something, but if your daughter stops walking, talking, and drinking water you better get your ass to a hospital or you might end up facing murder charges. This is the fate of a mother in Washington state who is being charged with homicide after praying for her daughter’s healing after she became gravely ill. Unfortunately God was busy running a universe and didn’t bother helping the child. “It was a tragic loss and we miss our granddaughter very much,” said the child’s grandmother. “But we believe God had a purpose in taking her. We don’t understand, but God’s ways are perfect and sure.” (Yahoo News)

THE TAXMAN IS A PIMP

2009-05-28T09:46:00.001-07:00

A Romanian teenager who auctioned off her virginity for over $13,000 while studying in Germany is being harassed by the tax department to pay 50% of her earnings as a prostitute. In Germany prostitution is legal but heavily taxed and the authorities would like her to pay up to $6,500 plus an additional $2,500 VAT bill. (Daily Mail)

A BOY NAMED SUE

2009-05-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

A man who might be entering the Guinness Book of World Records as the most litigious person in the world has filed a lawsuit against Guinness in order to stop them from naming him as the person who has filed the most lawsuits in the history of the world. Jonathan Lee Riches, serving a prison term until 2012, has filed over 4,000 lawsuits worldwide against such notables as George W. Bush, Britney Spears, Martha Stewart, Somali pirates, Nostradamus, the Eiffel Tower, Three Mile Island, and the makers of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” His latest lawsuit claims that Guinness plans to publish false information about him and call him names such as “Johnny Sue-nami,” “The Duke of Lawsuits” and “Sue-per-man.” After Riches gets the psychological treatment he needs and is finally released from prison he plans to start a class called “Lawsuit 101” in order to teach ordinary people how to sue without a lawyer. “I will sell Jonathan Lee Riches T-shirts,” he claims, printed with the phrase ‘Watch what you do, or I’ll sue you.” (Spokesman.com)

BIG HAIRY DEAL

2009-05-26T09:11:00.001-07:00

The coolest beard in the world now officially belongs to David Traver of Alaska after the judges’ decision at the 2009 World Beard Championships. Traver finally knocked the German’s from their domination of the events by winning the overall freestyle full beard championship with his multi-coloured beard weaved into the shape of a snowshoe. “They were humble, and you have to respect that,” he said of the Germans, but added that “they were getting predictable” after 20 years of beard domination. Check out all the crazy hair and sign up for the next competition to be held in Trondheim, Norway in 2011 at WorldBeardChampionships.com.

YES WE CAN... RIP YOU OFF

2009-05-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

A politician in Croatia has been elected mayor of his town after running on a platform of total honesty. In fact, he was so honest that he promised the voters that if he was elected he would rip them off at any opportunity. Using the slogan “All for me - nothing for you” Josko Risa convinced the citizens that they might as well vote for him because he wasn’t going to lie about his corrupt politics. “We’re going to get ripped off no matter who takes over,” rationalized one voter. “At least he’s being honest and up front about it.” (Ananova)

HOW TO BLOW OFF YOUR STREET CRED

2009-05-25T10:02:00.001-07:00

Lesson one of how to be a gangster is don’t shoot yourself in the crotch. Too bad Lukas Neuhardt, 27, failed this simple task when he tried to show off his gun to his friends and accidently shot himself in the most unfortunate of places. And while surgeons were able to stitch his manhood back together the humiliation doesn’t end there as Neuhardt may face up to three years in jail for breaching Germany’s tough new gun laws. (Ananova)

PROBLEMS WE’D LIKE TO HAVE

2009-05-25T10:01:00.002-07:00

Here’s a new one. A 22-year-old woman who married an 84-year-old multi-millionaire filed for divorce after just five months because the old man’s energy level was just too much for her. “He was very hard for me to keep up with,” explained Kristin Georgi. “When you climb on your own jet for the 10th time and everything in four days... It was a bit too fast-paced for me.” (The PittsburghChannel.com)

WHATDIDIMISS?

2009-05-25T10:01:00.001-07:00

Next time you head to the movies first check out RunPee.com which will tell you the best times in each movie to go run to the bathroom without missing too much action.

I EAT, THEREFORE I AM FAT

2009-05-21T09:33:00.001-07:00

And this week we have not one, but two pointless studies from the “No Shit, Sherlock” wing of scientific news. The first comes from research on obesity which revealed the astounding news that eating too much food makes you fat. “The main cause of the obesity epidemic in this country is the wide availability of high-caloric foods and the fact that we are eating way too many calories in the course of a day,” explained one brainiac. Meanwhile over in England two Oxford University scientists spent three years and $300,000 of the taxpayers’ money to discover that yes, ducks do enjoy splashing around in water. (TheHeart.org / The Guardian)

THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR CROTCH

2009-05-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

Last week we learned about the supposed ancient art of phallomancy in which you read a man’s personality by analyzing the shape and size of his penis. It turns out that there is an equally bizarre method of divination for women. A Japanese author has written a book in which he claims that the fortunes and character traits of women can be read by studying the shape of their pubic hair. Kosai Jumon, 70, says he started studying the pubic hair of woman as a young man when he realized that the sexual prowess of his partners differed depending on their “pubic hairdo.” His system claims to be able to determine whether a woman will make a good wife or make her husband’s life miserable, and he explains that a perfect wife was pubic hair which has “a clearly defined endurance sub-zone and slight traits of a receptivity sub-zone.” Put simply, he says “hair like this would indicate a good wife during the day who turns into a whore at night.” (Mainichi Daily News)

BOOKS THEY CAN’T TURN INTO FILMS

2009-05-19T09:00:00.001-07:00

If you’re starting your summer reading list don’t miss Oddee.com’s list of insanely titled books for some surreal reading pleasure, including “Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages,” “Excrement in the Late Middle Ages,” “Curbside Consultation of the Colon,” “Games You Can Play With Your Pussy,” “Fuckin’ Concrete Contemporary Abstract Algebra Introduction,” “Zen of Farting,” “The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America,” “The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories,” and last but certainly not least, “How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?”

AIR POLLUTION WE CAN BELIEVE IN

2009-05-19T08:50:00.001-07:00

Scientists in Spain have discovered that the air in Madrid and Barcelona is laced with trace amounts of cocaine, LSD, amphetamines, opiates and cannaboids. But before you book a flight heed the words of one scientists who explained that “not even if we lived for a thousand years would we consume the equivalent of a dose of cocaine by breathing this air.” They also claim that the readings were higher than average as the testing stations were located on university campuses and that higher amounts of drugs are in the air on weekends. (The Telegraph)

THE BRIGHT SIDE OF ECONOMIC COLLAPSE

2009-05-14T09:42:00.001-07:00

Conventional wisdom holds that bad economic times are also bad for life expectancy as less people can afford proper medical attention and more people succumb to depression and suicide. But the latest research has found that the opposite is true: the health of a population improves slightly when the economy tanks. According to the latest number crunching by Professor Christopher Ruhm of the University of North Carolina, death rates consistently decline during recessions and rise during the boom times. Ruhm found that for every one percent rise in unemployment the death rate falls by about half a percent. Other research has found similar trends during economic downturns in 23 countries between 1960 and 1997. The exact reasons for this are not clear but researchers suspect that during the lean years people tend to spend less money on fattening foods, alcohol and tobacco, while the fear of getting fired might help heavy drinkers stay sober. Deaths from car accidents also drop during higher unemployment simply because less people are commuting to work, industrial accidents drop because less people are working, and even infant deaths drop, presumably because a less industrial output causes a decrease in air pollution. (Oregon Live)

AS LONG AS IT GETS ME DRUNK

2009-05-13T13:22:00.001-07:00

A six-year long, $12 million study of New Zealand’s wines had discovered that one of the core aromas of their most popular wines is the smell of cat pee. "We're talking about parts per billion, very tiny amounts to make the wine more complex and interesting,'' explained so-called wine connoisseur Sue Blackmore. “If you had a whole lot of the compounds that give you cat’s pee it obviously wouldn’t be great but it’s amazing what a little can do.’’ (News.com.au)

WHAT’S UNUSUAL ABOUT PARASITIC RELATIVES?

2009-05-13T13:21:00.001-07:00

A 30-year-old plumber in England gave birth to his twin last week -- sort of, not really -- when a lumpy growth forced its way out of his abdomen like some kind of hideous alien. Doctors later confirmed that the lump was the leftovers of an embryonic parasitic twin that was absorbed into the man’s body at birth and stayed in his stomach for 30 years before making its dramatic exit. “I feel absolutely fine now but it has not sunk in yet that I could have had a twin brother,” said Gavin Hyatt. “I have him in a jar at home and I call him little Gav. I haven’t told many people. I feel like a bit of a freak.” (The Sun)

AND HAVING NO PENIS AT ALL INDICATES THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, A WOMAN

2009-05-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

You’ve definitely heard of palm reading to reveal your future, and you may have heard of face reading, but I’ll bet you haven’t heard of the ancient art of phallomancy, the divination technique which unveils your personality by analyzing your penis. Whether your flaccid penis is short, long, thick, thin, smooth, bumpy or curved will all tell the penis-reader about you. For example, a long penis indicates an extroverted and inventive lover, while the owner of a short penis always delivers on his promises. Thickness reveals strong imagination, bumps on the penis make a man challenging and unpredictable, and a sharp bend in the penis reveals a lecherous personality. Other tell-tale signs include whether the penis has a pointed, blunt, or wide tip (wide tips indicate strong sex drive) and whether there are any moles on the penis (a prediction of many children). Finally, even the amount of pubic hair reveals something about your personality, with a heavy bush indicating a strong, competitive demeanor.

CURIOUS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

2009-05-11T10:07:00.002-07:00

As seen in Australia’s Herald Sun: “Troops claim supernatural powers after pygmy sodomy.” Read the full story -- if you must, freak -- at News.com.au/heraldsun.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

2009-05-11T10:07:00.001-07:00

National Geographic has created a cool interactive map of America which lists all of the place names derived from Native American words. While most refer to the various qualities of a place’s natural surroundings, a bunch of names suggest more amusing origins such as “ At the skunk place,” “Good place to dig potatoes,” “The place where dung is found,” “Pregnant Women,” “They are killers,” “Person of dirty water,” “He who misses jackrabbits when shooting them,” “The worthless people” and “Let’s have intercourse” which apparently was the original name of Loleta, California.

THE GRIM REAPER HATES HARMONICAS

2009-05-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

The feel-good story of the year comes from Washington state where 70-year-old Andy Mackie is still alive after nine heart surgeries. He had been kept alive by a combination of 15 different medications but when he could no longer tolerate the side effects Mackie threw all his pills away and decided to use the money that he would have spent on prescriptions in order to buy 300 harmonicas which he gave away to school kids in order to spread his love of music to a new generation. “I really thought it was the last thing I could ever do,” he said. But instead of slowly dying without his drugs, Mackie is still going strong 11 years later and has given away 13,000 harmonicas so far. “I can’t explain the joy,” Mackie says. “I don’t think Bill Gates feels any richer inside than I do” (CBS News)

OPRAH, I WANNA BE YOUR DOG

2009-05-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

So what if you’re dumber than a fish... as long as you have a million bucks or so in the bank what’s the difference? Check out Bankling.com for their list of the world’s richest pets which has the stories of seven dogs and seven cats who are worth way more than you’ll ever be, including the world’s richest animal, Gunther IV, a German Shepherd who inherited $372 million from his father, Gunther III, who in turn received his fortune from the German countess Karlotta Liebenstein back in 1992. The list also includes the famous pets of Leona Helmsley, Drew Barrymore and Oprah (who will leave her dogs $30 million dollars when she dies) as well as less famous animals such as a stray cat who befriended a lonely widow and cashed in with a $226,000 trust fund and an $800,000 house. And don’t miss your chance to help create the world’s first cat internet millionaire at TheMillionairecat.com, where a cat is seeking donations because her owners won’t be leaving her a dime when they die. So far, Lola is up to a grand total of two bucks.

SLEEP, EAT, REPEAT

2009-05-05T09:00:00.001-07:00

But you don’t need science to make you feel good about drinking, sleeping late and eating chocolate. Just move to France, which has ranked number one in a study which tracked the sleeping and eating patterns of people in the world’s 18 wealthiest nations. According to the latest research the average French person sleeps almost nine hours per night (over an hour longer than the average Japanese or Korean) and when they finally get out of bed they spend over two hours a day eating food, over twice as long as the average Mexican. (Daily Mail)

BETTER LIVING THROUGH ALCOHOL

2009-05-04T09:39:00.002-07:00

The good news is that yet another study has linked moderate alcohol consumption to a slightly longer life. The bad news is that you’ll live those extra years without even catching a buzz. Dutch researchers who have followed 1,373 men for over 40 years have concluded that men who drink 20 grams of alcohol daily -- about a half a glass of wine or a glass of beer -- had 2.5 years added to their life expectancy while men who drank only wine averaged an additional five years of longevity. (Bloomberg.com)

NICE TRY, BUT YOU CAN’T PREDICT IRRATIONALITY

2009-05-04T09:39:00.001-07:00

A Denver inventor hopes to help men with their relationships with a new iPhone app which will track your partners menstrual cycle. The PMS Buddy will send you an email reminder when that special time of the month roles around. “Just having that awareness, we hope, will lend to fewer arguments,” said the apps creator Jordan Eisenberg. His site also advises that “flowers are the kryptonite to PMS.” (PMSbuddy.com)

CREATIVITY MINUS CREATIVE OUTLET EQUALS INSANITY

2009-04-30T10:51:00.002-07:00

A painting by Adolf Hitler sold for six times as much as expected -- almost $15,000 -- at an auction in London last week. The 1910 painting of a figure which is speculated to be Hitler himself sitting on a stone bridge was one of 15 paintings which fetched a total of $120,000. While the auction house was thrilled with the sale -- they had expected the items to go for less than $50,000 -- not everyone was quite as excited. “Who would want to have in their house a painting by the most horrible murderer in the history of mankind?” asked Rabbi Marvin Hier. “Any individual that would buy it to hang in their homes should be ashamed of themselves.” (CNN)

BAD ART KILLED MY DOG

2009-04-30T10:51:00.001-07:00

Which reminds me of the man who bought a painting by serial killer John Wayne Gacy and had his life filled with bad luck. Nikki Stone says that shortly after purchasing the signed self-portrait of Gacy’s alter-ego “Pogo the Clown” his dog died and his mother found out she had cancer. When he asked his friend to store the painting, the friend’s neighbor was killed in a car accident. The next friend who took the painting off his hands attempted suicide. The painting is now in the hands of an art dealer who says “I’m not afraid of it... I don’t believe in the hocus-pocus and the bad mojo that comes with it.” By the way, you can buy your own deranged artwork by psychopaths at Supernaught.com.

OH GOD YES!

2009-04-30T10:50:00.001-07:00

Time for an update from Sweden where an artist has been facing court challenges in his attempt to establish a new religion called “The Madonna of the Orgasm Church.” Last November the court struck down a protest from a community group which wanted to ban the name but an appeal to a higher court has reversed the decision leaving Carlos Bebeacua without a prayer. The court ruled that the juxtaposition of the words “Madonna,” “orgasm,” and “church” was unacceptable and offensive to the majority of Swedes. Bebeacua founded the new religion after his painting titled “The Madonna of Orgasm” sparked a violent protest during the 1992 World’s Fair in Spain. “The orgasm is God,” Bebeacua said in his defense. “The orgasm should be worshiped.” (The Local.se)

THOSE PARKING TICKETS WILL BE ASTRONOMICAL

2009-04-28T09:26:00.001-07:00

Reports out of Kazakhstan claim that the government has plans to build the world’s first alien embassy for traveling UFOs who need a pitstop on Earth. Supposedly they have allocated a huge plot of land near the city of Almaty where they will build a massive complex which will include guesthouses, theatres, a translation service, a UFO landing pad and an alien embassy. According to Talgat Musabayev, head of Kazakhstan's space agency, aliens are currently parking their ships in an underwater UFO base in the Caspian Sea which has been secretly monitored since the days when he worked for USSR’s science academy. (UFO Examiner)

SET MY ALARM FOR “NEVER”

2009-04-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Next time someone tries to kick you out of bed way before you’re ready tell them about new research which claims that people who stay up late at night are smarter, richer, and have better memories than those who wake up bright and early in the morning. The researchers found that late risers performed better on most mental tasks and early risers rapidly lost their mental agility about 10 hours into the day while night owls kept going strong well into the evening. This article also went on to reveal that Charles Darwin, Winston Churchill and Adolf Hitler were all night owls, in case you need any inspiration. (Daily Mail)

JOBS FROM THE FUTURE

2009-04-27T09:22:00.001-07:00

Kids just getting out of high school should check out Popular Mechanic’s list of 10 Future-Proof Jobs. Among the thrilling career options are undersea welder, zero-energy home architect, heat and power mechanic, digital detective, 3D sports technician, wind explorer, carbon-fibre plane and spaceship builder and battery engineer. But 99 out of a hundred kids who read this article will go with option number 10: video game designer. And if that doesn’t pan out for you remember that the world always needs plumbers and security guards.

BUT YOU’LL STILL SLEEP IN EVERY MORNING

2009-04-27T09:21:00.001-07:00

Scientists at the University of Colorado have built the world’s most accurate clock ever, a device that takes 300 million years to become inaccurate by one second. The new clock uses the pendulum swing of atoms held by a laser beam and frozen to negative 273 degrees which has created a timepiece which they claim twice as accurate as the world’s current leader. (The Telegraph)

CHOC TEASE

2009-04-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

Chocoholic scientists at Harvard University have invented an inhaler which will allow you to ingest all of the chocolate you want without adding a single calorie to your fat ass. “Le Whif” allows you to breathe in chocolate particles in order to satisfy your cravings without actually pigging out on chocolate. “We call it whiffing,” explained professor David Edwards. “It fills your mouth with almost pure chocolate - it tastes really good.” Get yours at LeWhif.com.

NEXT THEY’LL BE TAKING OVER THE BEACHES OF CANCUN

2009-04-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

The world’s first airline for dogs and cats has launched with flights from $149 between New York, Chicago, Denver. Los Angeles and Washington, D.C. Created by Dan and Alysa Binder in order to spoil their Jack Russell Terrier, Pet Airways offers first-class travel for “pawsengers” on their fleet of 20 planes. No human passengers are allowed in the planes other than the flight attendants who will make sure your dog or cat flies in style. (PetAirways.com)

WORLD RECORDS FOR THE SLIGHTLY INSANE

2009-04-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

If you’ve come to that point in your life where it’s time to make your mark you might want to go after one of the weirdest world records tracked by Guinness. Of course, some records can’t be beaten voluntarily, like trying to break the world record for the longest attack of the hiccups (68 years!) or the longest time living with a nail stuck in your head (a man in the UK had a rusty one-inch nail stuck between his ear and eye for 22 years). But there are plenty or world records which can be smashed with just a bit of perseverance and a wallop of insanity. Try one of these: hold your breath for more than 13 minutes, 42 seconds; jump on a pogo-stick 177,738 times; do 125 one-finger push ups; make a balloon dog behind your back in under 9.26 seconds; eat five watches in less than 1 hour, 34 minutes; lie in a bathtub full of maggots for more than an hour and a half; or type the words “one” to “one million” in less than 16 years. Good luck!

MONEY FROM NOTHING

2009-04-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

This week’s career advice for the recently downsized comes from a small town in northern Sweden where the relatives of an eccentric dumpster diver were shocked to learn that his estate was worth over $1.4 million after he died last autumn. “Tin-Can Curt” spent every day of the last 30 years of his life cycling around his town collecting empty cans. He combined this work with a good mind for the stock markets and parlayed his modest income into an $8 million mutual fund, $2 million in gold bars, a fully paid off house and a pile of extra cash in his bank account. (TheLocal.se)

HOW TO DEAL (WITH) DRUGS

2009-04-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

It’s been five years since Portugal decriminalized the use of marijuana, cocaine, heroin and LSD and the results are in. The number of street drug overdoses has dropped from 400 to 290 annually and new cases of HIV caused by dirty needles has dropped from over 1,500 to 400 annually “Now instead of being put into prison, addicts are going to treatment centers and they’re learning how to control their drug usage or getting off drugs entirely,” wrote the authors of a report commissioned by a Washington, D.C. libertarian think tank. The Portuguese plan still imposes jail time for drug dealers but people in the possession of small amounts of drugs for personal use are brought before a “Dissuasion Commission” which imposes small fines and offers treatment options to users. (Scientific American)

BIG HAIRY DEAL

2009-04-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

You better stop shaving right now if you want to have any chance at all of winning the World Beard and Moustache Championships being held in Anchorage, Alaska on May 23. Categories range from the Wild West Moustache to the Fu Manchu partial beard all the way to the freestyle full beard. Check out the bizarre facial monstrocities of past contestants and champions at WorldBeardChampionships.com.

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AN ARM

2009-04-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

When you’re ready to quit your soul-sucking job and re-ignite your childhood dreams head on over to eHow.com for step-by-step instructions for becoming a professional alligator wrestler. The site advices to start at Colorado Gators, America’s only alligator wrestling school, then get a job at Reptile Gardens animal park, spend a lot of time in swamps and start your wrestling career with the smallest gator you can find. Be warned though, the average wage for an alligator wrestler is about eight dollars per hour.

THAT’S HOT

2009-04-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

A Norwegian inventor has won the Financial Times Climate Change Challenge with a simple cardboard box transformed into a solar oven powerful enough to cook food, bake bread and boil water. The “Kyoto Box” consists of two cardboard boxes -- one box painted black inside another box covered in silver foil -- topped with an acrylic cover to trap the sun’s rays inside the box. “This took me about a weekend, and it worked on the first try,” said JohnBohmer. “It’s mind-boggling how simple it is.” The solar oven could alleviate the need for firewood for up to three million people around the world and save millions of children from deaths caused by unboiled water. (CNN)

I, HALF-ROBOT

2009-04-16T08:59:00.001-07:00

The Cyberdyne Corporation of Japan has begun mass production of a robot suit designed to help older people or those with disabilities to walk or lift heavy objects. The HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb) Suit is a motor-driven metal “exoskeleton” which you strap to your legs and upper body in order to power-assist your body’s movements. “It’s like riding on a robot, rather than wearing one,” says the suit’s developer Yoshiyuki Sankai, who envisions the suit being used for medical rehabilitation, industrial uses, disaster rescue and entertainment. The company plans an annual production fo 400 units at a cost of approximately $4,200 each.

LIFE CAN BE SHITTY

2009-04-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Next time some little brat begins to whine about some inconsequential nonsense tell them about the news out of Rome where authorities have found over 100 immigrants -- including at least 24 children -- living in the sewers underneath a train station. The children ranged in age from 10 to 15 years old and arrived in Italy as stowaways on trucks and were sleeping in the sewers in order to stay warm at night. (BBC)

WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE?

2009-04-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

Forbes magazine has surveyed 657 self-made billionaires and compiled some helpful advice for anyone with plans to earn a billion dollars in the future. First, make sure that you are born in the fall (ideally September, when most billionaires are born, but not December, when very few billionaires are born) and make sure that your parents are engineers, accountants or small business owners with a high aptitude for mathematics. Then, drop out of college if you want to make your fortune in technology but make sure you get a Master’s Degree from an Ivy League school if you want to make your fortune in finance. While you’re in university it won’t hurt to join the Skull and Bones and after graduation try to get a job at Goldman Sachs. Lastly, after you start trying to earn your fortune, make sure that your first company is a massive failure so that you can learn all the things that you shouldn’t do in order to earn your first billion dollars. Good luck!

THE REAL OCTOMOM

2009-04-13T11:11:00.001-07:00

Scientists at Geneva University Hospital in Switzerland have conformed the world’s first case of a person who can see, feel and move a “phantom limb” which her brain recognizes just as if it was a real limb. The woman lost the use of her left arm after a stroke but her brain seems to have created an illusionary limb which she can even use to scratch an itch on her body. Doctors used an MRI to confirm that her brain was issuing commands to the phantom limb and that her body responds when she touches herself with it. (Metro UK)

THE NEW ARMS RACE

2009-04-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Speaking of strange limbs, the Pentagon has announced the completion of the first phase of a plan to someday regrow soldiers’ missing body parts. Working with a $570,000 grant from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) a company called Cellthera Inc. has succeeded in turning a batch of human skin into a mass of undifferentiated cells that can, theoretically, be turned into new body parts. Step two will involve turning the cellular ooze into muscle tissue, and someday, perhaps, they will be able to reach their ultimate goal to “fully restore the function of complex tissue after traumatic injury on the battlefield.” (Wired Blog)

YEAH, RIGHT

2009-04-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

Here’s some news that can’t possibly be true. A new study claims that men actually gossip more than women, averaging 76 minutes a day gossiping with friends and co-workers compared to 52 minutes for women. The study also discovered the most popular topics for idle chit-chat, with men talking about their drunk friends’ antics or the hottest woman in the office, while women like to complain about other women or discuss which of their friends are gaining weight. (KUTV.com)

I WONDER WHO OWNS THE MOST HUMANS?

2009-04-09T10:01:00.001-07:00

According to the book “Who Owns The World?” (WhoOwnsTheWorld.com) Queen Elizabeth II is the largest personal landowner on Earth with a vast empire which covers one sixth of the planet’s non-ocean surface. The Queen is the legal owner of 6,600 million acres worth approximately $25,700,000,000,000, with her main holdings in Canada (2,467 million acres), Australia (1,900 million acres), Papua New Guinea (114 million acres), New Zealand (66 million acres), and the UK (60 million acres.) The Queen also eclipses all other challengers by a healthy margin. The next largest landowners in the world are Russia with 4,219 million acres and China with 2,365 million acres. The second largest personal land empire belongs to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia who owns a mere 553 million acres of land.

YOUR DOG LIVES BETTER THAN HALF OF THE WORLD’S CHILDREN

2009-04-08T10:23:00.001-07:00

They used to say “build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.” Now it’s more like “create some stupid way for bored people to pamper their dumb animals and you’ll get rich quick!” One of the latest trends which is making someone a doghouse full of money is bottled water for your pet. “Petrafresh” is bottled water which, the inventor claims, is “specially formulated for dogs, cats, rabbits, gerbils, iguanas, pot-bellied pigs and even fish.” It’s probably made fresh daily in the toilet bowl of its inventor. Dog Yoga has also become popular, especially with the stressed out pooches in large urban centres, where dogs and their owners can stretch and breathe together before heading back into the city to defecate on the sidewalks. You can also now buy sunglasses specifically for your dog which keep out “100% of UV light and foreign objects”. And don’t forget that dog and cat owners can now implant their pets with a microchip so that you won’t have to plaster your neighbourhood with “lost” signs the next time your pet tries to escape from your tiny apartment. (BBC)

BEWARE OF DOG

2009-04-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

But, you argue, it’s been proven that pets are good for your mental health, right? That’s true, but only if you don’t trip over your dog and break your skull open. The enchantingly titled “Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report” reveals that dogs and cats cause 86,000 trips to the emergency room for their owners each year, mostly due to owners falling over their dogs while walking them.

I DON’T LIKE TUESDAYS

2009-04-07T11:04:00.000-07:00

A survey of 3,000 British workers has concluded that Tuesday morning at 11:45 a.m. is the most stressful time of the work week. While Mondays are traditionally considered the worst day of the week 53 percent of workers admitted to cruising through the day catching up on gossip and checking out Facebook to view photos of their weekend antics. Reality doesn’t really set in until Tuesday morning when the stress of a long week of work ahead overwhelms most workers, often forcing them to work through their lunch break to make up for Monday’s lost time. (The Telegraph)

SCIENCE CAN RATIONALIZE ANYTHING

2009-04-07T10:30:00.001-07:00

According to Australia’s Department of Wishful Thinking, surfing the net at work actually makes employees more productive. The research carried out at the University of Melbourne concluded that people who engage in WILB (workplace Internet leisure browsing) within a reasonable limit -- less than 20 percent of the total work day -- are 9 percent more productive overall than those who don’t. “Short and unobtrusive breaks, such as a quick surf of the internet, enables the mind to rest itself, leading to a higher total net concentration for a days work, and as a result, increased productivity,” claimed the doctor who led this study before going back to surfing for porn. (Reuters)