YOU NOW HAVE ONE “GET OUT OF WAL-MART FREE” CARD

Here’s a handy tip for you petty criminals in the audience: Wal-Mart has changed its policy about prosecuting each and every shoplifter in their stores and will now let first-time thieves off the hook if they steal merchandise worth less than $25. According to internal documents obtained by the New York Times, the policy change was prompted due to the expense and manpower necessary to prosecute small-time crooks. “If I have somebody being paid $12 an hour processing a $5 theft, I have just lost money,” said a Wal-Mart official, who explained that Wal-Mart wishes to focus on those responsible for the vast majority of theft: professional shoplifters and Wal-Mart employees.