DON’T DO DRUGS -- UNLESS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF GENIUS OR SOMETHING

And now it’s time for the “rationalizing the use of illicit drugs” portion of this column, thanks to an article at Cracked.com called “The 5 Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High.” Counting down from number five, Nobel Prize winning geneticist Francis Crick discovers the secrets of DNA while tripping on LSD; Sigmund Freud creates the world’s most famous form of psychoanalysis based on what he learned during his love affair with cocaine; pharmacist (and cokehead) John Pemberton invents the world’s most popular soft drink, Coca-Cola; baseball pitcher Dock Ellis pitches a rare no-hitter while peaking on acid; and Moses transcribes God’s 10 Commandments after eating some magic mushrooms. Admittedly that last one might not be historically accurate, but there is much evidence that the ancient Israelites regularly used two different types of psychoactive plants in their religious ceremonies, so it can’t be completely ruled out.