AND HAVING NO PENIS AT ALL INDICATES THAT YOU ARE, IN FACT, A WOMAN

You’ve definitely heard of palm reading to reveal your future, and you may have heard of face reading, but I’ll bet you haven’t heard of the ancient art of phallomancy, the divination technique which unveils your personality by analyzing your penis. Whether your flaccid penis is short, long, thick, thin, smooth, bumpy or curved will all tell the penis-reader about you. For example, a long penis indicates an extroverted and inventive lover, while the owner of a short penis always delivers on his promises. Thickness reveals strong imagination, bumps on the penis make a man challenging and unpredictable, and a sharp bend in the penis reveals a lecherous personality. Other tell-tale signs include whether the penis has a pointed, blunt, or wide tip (wide tips indicate strong sex drive) and whether there are any moles on the penis (a prediction of many children). Finally, even the amount of pubic hair reveals something about your personality, with a heavy bush indicating a strong, competitive demeanor.