BEING USELESS HAS ITS BENEFITS

According to The Onion, last week the planet Earth narrowly missed being invaded by 200,000 hostile aliens when the creatures decided our planet wasn’t worth the effort. “A planet scan indicates that its resources will be tapped by 2015, its most intelligent life form cannot fly, and it possesses no significant deposits of Tangium,” said Supreme Commander Kasha Ak-Bej, the nine-foot serpentine leader of the invasion. “Not to mention that their fleshy exoskeleton would make earthlings unfit slaves for mining Zgyxa’s molten core.”